Marriage isn't working for us. The
divorce rate in the US is at least 40% for first marriages and even higher for
each subsequent marriage. Yet we're getting married more often than
any other country in the world. Are we more optimistic? Possibly.
88% of us believe that “there's someone out there for me”.
History
Marriage in the past wasn't about love,
it was about family connections, political, social and financial ties
and well, business. Love was a bi-product if you were lucky. It was
a contract, both social and legal with advantages for both parties.
If there were children, resources from
both partners would be combined for the child to inherit. Your
partner was as invested in your future as they were in their own and
as always, two head are better than one. In world where premarital
relations were discouraged, marriage was the only socially accepted
way for a couple to have sex or reproduce. Prostitutes were, of
course, always an option for men, but it came with substantial risks
to both wallet and body.
There was a division of labor with women in almost every culture we know of with women working in or around the home and caring for children and men providing food, products or money to sustain them. Which makes sense since pregnant women and babies don't thrive in the conditions required to bring these things home.
There was a division of labor with women in almost every culture we know of with women working in or around the home and caring for children and men providing food, products or money to sustain them. Which makes sense since pregnant women and babies don't thrive in the conditions required to bring these things home.
One of the most important advantages of
marriage was (usually) sexual exclusivity. Both partners knew for
certain who the biological parents of offspring belonged to, assuring
status and wealth stayed in the family. I think it's probably safe
to say that the marriage contract, at it's most basic was this: Man
provides financial/material security, woman provides home and children. It
worked.
Ironically, the first feminists were
some of the strongest supporters of hearth and home. Their goals
included suffrage for women, temperance, birth control, and custody
rights, all intended to improve women's lives within their
traditional roles. It wasn't until Second-Wave feminism took hold
that feminists began encouraging women to abandon the roles
of mother and housewife.
Today
Today
Thanks, in part, to these women, I was
never told that I had to be or do anything in particular. I had
trucks and Barbies, cowboy outfits and tutus. I was told that I could
be anything I wanted if I worked hard and learned.
Today, there isn't a single job that I can think of that is completely closed to women. There are women police officers, firefighters, construction workers, business leaders and politicians. Did they have to work harder to get there? Probably. But they're there and successful.
The definition of marriage has changed. Most of us aren't
housewives. Many of us choose not to be mothers. But by and large, men are still expected to be providers. Supporters. They're expected to be strong and unemotional. They're expected to
take care of things. Ask Men did a poll of men to see what they would say. Number one is strong. The list also includes: focused, organized, makes his own fortune and doesn't look like a woman.
If you do a search for what is a real man you'll find that the interwebs has lots to say on the topic. Check out these winners.
Now do a search for what is a real woman. Images of chubby women and the message to accept women for what they are.
When my
husband first arrived in Germany, we had two children and not a lot
of money. I had been living here and spoke reasonable German so we
decided that he would be the caregiver at home. It was then that I
personally experienced what it was like to have to support a family
of six. How much pressure there was. What if I got sick, what if I
broke a leg? Who was going to take care of my family? I lost sleep worry about thing that could go wrong. I also know that he felt like he was being judged. People looked at him strangely when he picked up the kids from school. He tried to take a German class during the day in a center very near out house, but was told it was only open to women.
Women no longer have to stay in marriages that make them unhappy, which I'm all for, but when she takes her children and leaves, and we still expect him to fulfill his part of the contract...it's bullshit. He's paying for children he doesn't have joint access to, in some cases he's paying alimony.
We're having our cake. And his.
Women need to stop expecting their husbands to fill outdated, sexist roles and work together to create new, workable marriage models.
The hits just keep on comin'!
ReplyDeleteLook at that last picture - it's the Princess fantasy - someday my Prince will come... it's apssivity, and it sesm to intensifiy in the culture the more power women get. Why? It's toxic feminity to let passivity be a core element of your gender role.
I think this is behind what Naomi Wolfe observed in the Beauty Myth. The more power women get them more they seem to have to deny it by putting on a face of dependency on men's approval, and it's no wonder that that would make them angry.
Here's soemthing you are going to notice when you move back to the States, if you ever do. I noticed it when I moved back 20 yeras ago after l was stattioned there on and off for almost nine years - a lot of American women talk in unnaturally high-pitched voices and they put on kinds of little girl mannerisms that you don't see in Germany. It's really sad. thank god it's not universal, but it is still pretty widespread.
I'm going back for a visit in Decmember, it will have been 4 years! Can't wait.
ReplyDeleteI noticed when we hired an American woman at work, that she constantly played with her hair and used the word "like" a lot. She also told us she'd never done dishes. Ever. She was nearly 30 at the time.
<The more power women get them more they seem to have to deny it by putting on a face of dependency on men's approval, and it's no wonder that that would make them angry.
I've never heard that before, I'll have to look into that. Interesting.
I could always articulate it but I have always felt that feminism kind of artificially props women up when they should be standing on their own two feet. A great example of this is the time I got into an argument with a woman who had been sexually assaulted, as I had. She kept calling herself (and me) a victim. I explained that yes, I had been a victim, but I'm not now.
I refuse to stay a victim my whole life because something shitty happened to me years ago. I define myself, not the person who hurt me.
She took exception to that and told me that was fine if I felt that way, but that I didn't have the right to tell other people how to feel. I agree with that, but I think part of what makes rape so damaging is how we overestimate the impact it has. Yes, it's awful and should be punished. Yes, many people need years to sort themselves out, but not everyone does. And that's perfectly acceptable.
You aren't dead, you're not maimed. You're still you.
I guess i'ts a little like parenting. People want to tell you how much different you'll be. Me, I changed the way I live my life in many, many ways, but I'm still me.
"I could always articulate it but I have always felt that feminism kind of artificially props women up when they should be standing on their own two feet."
ReplyDeleteI call that "climbing back up inot Daddy's lap." I think what your reaction in general is is a rejection of feminism's relapse into patriarchal habits of thought.
"She took exception to that and told me that was fine if I felt that way, but that I didn't have the right to tell other people how to feel."
While she obviously felt entitled to label you and tell
you how to feel.
You are not the first person with that story and those observations. How much push-back do you get for just wnating to heal?
Are you familiar with the concept of toxc femininity? One aspect is a need to remain helpless and dependent on protection and provision, a permanent childhood. Kind of like twirling your hair and saying "like" every third word at the age of 30, maybe.