The Marriage Conundrum

Marriage isn't working for us. The divorce rate in the US is at least 40% for first marriages and even higher for each subsequent marriage. Yet we're getting married more often than any other country in the world. Are we more optimistic? Possibly. 88% of us believe that “there's someone out there for me”. 

History

Marriage in the past wasn't about love, it was about family connections, political, social and financial ties and well, business. Love was a bi-product if you were lucky. It was a contract, both social and legal with advantages for both parties.

If there were children, resources from both partners would be combined for the child to inherit. Your partner was as invested in your future as they were in their own and as always, two head are better than one. In world where premarital relations were discouraged, marriage was the only socially accepted way for a couple to have sex or reproduce. Prostitutes were, of course, always an option for men, but it came with substantial risks to both wallet and body.

There was a division of labor with women in almost every culture we know of with women working in or around the home and caring for children and men providing food, products or money to sustain them. Which makes sense since pregnant women and babies don't thrive in the conditions required to bring these things home.

One of the most important advantages of marriage was (usually) sexual exclusivity. Both partners knew for certain who the biological parents of offspring belonged to, assuring status and wealth stayed in the family. I think it's probably safe to say that the marriage contract, at it's most basic was this: Man provides financial/material security, woman provides home and children. It worked.

Ironically, the first feminists were some of the strongest supporters of hearth and home. Their goals included suffrage for women, temperance, birth control, and custody rights, all intended to improve women's lives within their traditional roles. It wasn't until Second-Wave feminism took hold that feminists began encouraging women to abandon the roles of mother and housewife.

Today

Thanks, in part, to these women, I was never told that I had to be or do anything in particular. I had trucks and Barbies, cowboy outfits and tutus. I was told that I could be anything I wanted if I worked hard and learned. 

Today, there isn't a single job that I can think of that is completely closed to women. There are women police officers, firefighters, construction workers, business leaders and politicians. Did they have to work harder to get there? Probably. But they're there and successful.

The definition of marriage has changed.  Most of us aren't housewives. Many of us choose not to be mothers. But by and large, men are still expected to be providers. Supporters. They're expected to be strong and unemotional. They're expected to take care of things. Ask Men did a poll of men to see what they would say. Number one is strong. The list also includes:  focused, organized, makes his own fortune and doesn't look like a woman.  

If you do a search for what is a real man you'll find that the interwebs has lots to say on the topic. Check out these winners.

              

Now do a search for what is a real woman.  Images of chubby women and the message to accept women for what they are.

When my husband first arrived in Germany, we had two children and not a lot of money. I had been living here and spoke reasonable German so we decided that he would be the caregiver at home. It was then that I personally experienced what it was like to have to support a family of six. How much pressure there was. What if I got sick, what if I broke a leg? Who was going to take care of my family? I lost sleep worry about thing that could go wrong.  I also know that he felt like he was being judged. People looked at him strangely when he picked up the kids from school. He tried to take a German class during the day in a center very near out house, but was told it was only open to women.

Women no longer have to stay in marriages that make them unhappy, which I'm all for, but when she takes her children and leaves, and we still expect him to fulfill his part of the contract...it's bullshit. He's paying for children he doesn't have joint access to, in some cases he's paying alimony. 

We're having our cake. And his.

Women need to stop expecting their husbands to fill outdated, sexist roles and work together to create new, workable marriage models.

The Circumcision Debate

Image posted on George Takei's Facebook account

When you become a parent you very quickly discover how many ways there are to do something wrong. And it seems like everyone wants to tell you exactly how wrong you are. My personal motto has always been mind your own damn business, so I try to do the same for other families and stay out of theirs.

There are of course exceptions; abuse, neglect and how your kid treats my kid are some of them. And then there's circumcision. This debate has been raging at least since 2000 when I had my first child and it hasn't gotten any less debatable since then.

I'm unashamedly against it. I have to admit, though, that I wondered what all the fuss was about back in early 2000. I mean seriously, it's not that big a deal. Thousands of boys get one every year and live normal healthy lives, right?

Growing up in the US, I didn't see a lot of penises. We don't embrace male nudity as a rule, and female nudity only if it gets someone off. So when I became sexually active, it was mostly new to me. The first man I was with was actually intact, but most of my subsequent partners were not. I never even thought to ask myself which was aesthetically pleasing; their purpose was the same, right? I was in my mid-twenties before I ever heard anyone expressing a preference for circumcision. I left it at that. Not my issue, I don't have a penis.

Then I had my first son. I asked my husband at the time if he had a preference and told him it was his decision. He's European so his first reaction was, "why on earth would we do that"? I didn't know. Why would we do that?  Turns out there are very few reasons for a child to have a circumcision at birth. In fact, less than 20% of the world's population do it.

At this point I could post a lot of facts and figures to support my claim but I'm a busy lady. The facts is that there are no credible medical organizations that recommend it as a preventative to anything. And yet, they won't recommend not doing it.

The vast majority of circumcisions are done for religious or social reasons. I want my son's penis to look like his father's  is a common one. It's at this point I imagine a father and son standing together and comparing penises. Son, this is what a proper penis looks like.  Give me a minute...I'm trying to unimagine that.

Here are some reasons that people perform FGM (Female Genital Mutilation):

• women want their daughters to undergo the same type of procedure they had.
• it's a "good tradition".
• cleanliness

Sound familiar? Yet FGM is a federal crime in the US and circumcision is "a parent's choice" or "freedom of religion". Is FGM more damaging than circumcision?  Usually, yes. Yet Type 4 FGM which includes pricking of the clitoris, a non-permanent procedure is still against the law. While permanent removal of the foreskin is not.

Germany seems to be leading the way in condemning circumcision, one state actually criminalizing the procedure. The most vocal groups protesting are religious activists. I think that says a lot.

http://www.path.org/files/FGM-The-Facts.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Circumcision

http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/story/2012/07/14/germany-circumcision-controversy.html

Louis CK - The Truck Episode

I watched this a few days ago and haven't been able to put it away.   I'm interested in what other people have to say about it.

In the beginning.

Wow, first post ever. I'm new to blogs, I never really thought that anyone would be all that interested in what I had to say. But I find myself increasingly needing to be heard, so I thought it was time to get started.

I'm an advocate for men's rights and I'm not ashamed.

It may very well be that no one is all that interested in what I have to say. My purpose is not to speak for men, or represent the MRM. My purpose is to open a dialogue about men's rights with people that may not have considered the issue before. Or who have considered it and found it terrifying.  Ideally, I'd like to see real conversation between human beings that want to improve our lives and the lives of our children.